How to Find a Spiritual Director

Finding a spiritual director is mostly a matter of knowing who to ask and in what order. The steps below work whether you live in a city with six parishes or in a town with one, and whether you want to meet in person or over a video call.

Where a Spiritual Director Usually Comes From

A spiritual director is not a special category of person. Most are ordinary priests, nuns, deacons and trained laypeople who have done some formation in spiritual direction. They live normal lives and take on a few directees at a time.

You will find them through three main channels: your parish, your diocese, and a religious community. Your parish priest may do direction himself or know who does. The diocese keeps lists of trained directors. Religious orders often have members who see people regularly.

Who is trained and who is not varies. Many priests receive some training in seminary, but not all. Sisters and laypeople who list themselves as directors usually have completed a formal program, often two or three years long. It is fair to ask about training.

Start With Your Own Parish

Call the parish office and ask to speak with the priest. Say you are looking for a spiritual director and ask if he can help or if he knows someone who can. He is the best first call because he knows the local clergy and religious, and he can rule out people who are not suitable.

Even if he cannot take you himself, he can point you to someone. He may also offer to meet with you a few times while you look. That is not the same as direction, but it keeps you moving.

Know the difference between a confessor, a pastor and a director. A confessor hears your confession and gives absolution. A pastor runs the parish. A director helps you notice how God is working in your daily life and how you respond. One person can fill more than one role, but you should be clear about which one you are asking for.

Call Your Diocese

The diocesan offices of spiritual formation, evangelization or consecrated life often keep a list of trained directors. Call the main diocesan number and ask to be transferred to the office that handles spiritual formation. If they do not have such an office, ask for evangelization or consecrated life.

When you reach someone, say: “I am looking for a spiritual director. Do you keep a list of trained directors in the diocese?” They may ask where you live, whether you prefer a priest or a layperson, and whether you can meet during the day or in the evening.

A reply can take a few days to a couple of weeks. The office may email you a short list or ask a coordinator to call you back. Follow up once if you have not heard in two weeks.

Religious Orders, Retreat Houses and Monasteries

Jesuit, Carmelite, Dominican and Benedictine houses often have members who give spiritual direction. Call the house and ask if anyone there sees directees. Some houses have a designated person who handles these requests.

Retreat centres that run direction programs are another good source. They often have a list of staff and affiliated directors. Many of these directors take only a small number of directees, so ask to be put on a waiting list if needed.

Do not assume that every priest or sister in a religious house does direction. Ask directly: “Do you offer spiritual direction, and do you have room for a new directee?” That saves time for both of you.

Online Directories and How to Vet a Name

Directories such as Spiritual Directors International's Seek and Find list directors by location and approach. Some dioceses also publish online lists. Formation programs sometimes list their graduates on their websites.

Once you have a name, check a few things. Ask where they trained and whether they are in supervision. Supervision means they meet regularly with a more experienced director to review their work. Ask for references from two current or former directees. Ask whether they are in good standing with their diocese or religious community.

You can also ask if they follow a recognized code of ethics. Many formation programs require it. If someone cannot answer these questions plainly, keep looking. Vetting is not distrust; it is part of asking well.

What to Ask Before You Commit

Ask about training and supervision. You want to know they have done a formal program and that someone else is overseeing their work. This matters because direction touches your prayer and your choices.

Ask how often you will meet and for how long. Most directors meet monthly for about an hour. Ask about the fee and how it is handled. Some directors charge, some accept a free-will offering, and some ask for nothing.

Ask how they handle a crisis. If you are in danger or seriously distressed, what do they do? A director should have a clear answer and should not try to handle everything alone.

Ask whether they report to anyone. A director in a religious community or a diocese usually has a superior or a bishop. That is a safeguard for you. If they say they answer to no one, ask why.

Red Flags in a First Conversation

No training and no supervision is a red flag. Experience alone is not enough. Direction is a skill that is learned and kept sharp with supervision.

Pressure to keep secrets from your confessor is another. A director should not set themselves up as your only spiritual authority. If they tell you not to mention your direction in confession, walk away.

Money pressure is a warning. A director may charge a fee, but they should not push you to give more or make you feel guilty about what you can afford.

Claims of private revelations about you, or refusing to let you stop, are serious. You are free to end direction at any time. A good director will respect that.

How to Ask Someone to Be Your Director

By email, keep it short. Say who you are, how you got their name, and what you are looking for. For example: “I am looking for a spiritual director. I practice daily prayer and want help noticing where God is at work. I can meet monthly. Would you be open to a first conversation?”

In person, use plain words. “I am looking for a spiritual director. Would you be willing to meet with me, or can you suggest someone?” That is enough. You do not need a speech.

Suggest a trial period: three meetings, then both of you decide whether to continue. This takes pressure off both sides and gives you a clean way to stop if it is not a good fit.

If Nobody Nearby Is Available

While you wait, keep a regular confessor. Confession is not direction, but it is a steady place to bring your life to God. Add the examen to your day. Ten minutes in the evening is enough to notice where you were consoled and where you were desolate.

Spiritual reading helps. Pick one book and read a few pages a week. Ask a religious sister you know if she can meet monthly for conversation and prayer. That is not formal direction, but it can be a real help.

Online direction is a legitimate option. Many directors now meet by video call. See our page on online spiritual direction for how to set it up and what to expect.

Living outside your own language, or in a country with few trained directors? See getting direction in English for the practical side of finding and booking it.

Frequently Asked Questions

How do I find a Catholic spiritual director?

Ask your parish priest first, then the diocesan office of spiritual formation, then a religious community or retreat house near you. Online directories list trained directors too, and most of them now meet by video call.

Does my spiritual director have to be a priest?

No. Trained laypeople, sisters, deacons and monks can all give direction. A priest is needed for confession and the sacraments, and those are separate from direction.

How much does a spiritual director cost?

Anything from nothing to about $100 for a one-hour session. Parish priests and religious usually ask for nothing or a free-will offering, while trained lay directors commonly charge $50 to $90.

How do I know if a director is a good fit?

Give it three meetings. A good director helps you notice where God is already at work, remembers what you told them last time, and leaves the decisions with you.

Can my director be someone I already know?

Usually not. A friend or a family member has too much of a stake in your choices. Acquaintances from your parish are fine if the relationship stays in that room.